


Conversations with Dead People

by Redlala



Series: Triangular [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Identity Issues, Multi, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Padmé is awesome even as a ghost, Seven Stages of Grief, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Vader is the stable one, he let Sidious medically torture him in the murder suit so low bar, the only thing worse than your presence is your absence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25000144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlala/pseuds/Redlala
Summary: Obi-Wan talks to ghosts, sometimes they answer; Obi-Wan talks to Vader, he wishes he wouldn’tA ceasefire in hating yourself. Letting go, holding on, and an explanation for a halfhearted lightsaber battle. 18 years in the desert.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Shmi Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Darth Vader, Padmé Amidala & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padmé Amidala/Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Triangular [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809883
Comments: 10
Kudos: 78
Collections: SW Especially Satisfying Stories





	Conversations with Dead People

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story contains alcoholism, suicidal thinking, and a pretty graphic suicide attempt. Please skip if these subjects are triggering to you. The suicide attempt is marked with a soft and hard warning if you want to read but skip the sections. That section also contains none graphic dubious consent due to emotional manipulation and identity issues. I guess you could say F*** or die trope but it was more desperate and sad problem solving. Look at the tags. It does get better, but it is pretty dark for a while.
> 
> songs to listen to: Obi-Wan – [Landfil](https://youtu.be/zVwD6XLkaxc) , Ben - [Go to Sleep](https://youtu.be/oMoZrh5dZ2k)

The Seven Stages of Grief:

1\. Shock and Denial  
2\. Guilt and Pain  
3\. Anger and Bargaining  
4\. Depression, Loneliness and Reflection  
5\. The Upward Turn  
6\. Reconstruction and Working Through  
7\. Acceptance and Hope

\------

Because he is a worthless coward he does not talk to or apologize to Shmi. He made it precisely 3 seconds in front of her gravestone while dropping Luke off, before he fled. How does one say: “Remember how you entrusted us with your only child, well I did such a bad job he destroyed the galaxy. Sorry I told him to ignore those visions that would have saved your life. Also, mind if I hide his son in your grave? It’s the only place I can think of that’s too painful for him to look.” 

\------

He doesn’t talk to Qui-Gon because he is incompetent. Yoda told him that trusting in the Force and meditation would guide him to his old mentor. Yoda is a troll and the Force hates him. Qui-Gon has yet to answer. 

\------

He talks to Padmé because she is the only one who understands. She answers because she was always too good and kind for this world. Also, she answers because being alone in the desert is driving him crazy and making him hallucinate. It probably doesn’t help that one of the first things he did upon settling in the Wastes was build a still. 

\-------

Some days for just a moment he forgets everything that happened. These are the times he talks to Anakin. He sees or thinks something and a reflex kicks in because Anakin was always there, so of course he would tell him about whatever it is. These days are the worst. It feels like losing him all over again.

\------

Padmé doesn’t approve of his drinking. But as she is a figment of his imagination who managed to let Anakin knock her up and then die, so he really doesn’t see where she gets off being judgmental.

“Sorry, that was uncalled for. I didn’t mean it.”

Padmé manages to look even more unimpressed. She is upset he has been living (hiding) in the Wastes. He tried to explain that he is here to protect Luke, you know her son! Padmé sees through him, she was always terrifying like that, and simply raises an eyebrow to convey that he is deluding himself and too far away from Luke to be of any help were Luke actually in danger. Doesn’t she understand what a danger he is? Look what happened to Anakin. There is something unbearably kind now in her expression. 

(Lost the will to live. Ha! That has to be the stupidest thing he’s ever heard, and he raised Anakin.)

\------

He manages to make it four years and 42 days before he truly loses it and does something unforgivable. There is nothing special about the date. He is just worn down and so tired of being good, of keeping it together. He has no idea how much he has had to drink when he finds the comlink. Anakin made them during the war. They have some special encryption that he won’t pretend to understand but it boils down to a truly impressive range and a frequency no one else can access. 

“….Obi-Wan?”

“Where the fuck are you? I’ve been waiting for so long.” 

“You’re drunk.” How can he be so calm? He was never calm before. It’s been four years and that is all he can say!

“Of course, I am. There is nothing else to do here and I’m tired of talking to myself”

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Not nearly enough! It’s all I do you know? Sit here and wait! Wait for Anakin to come save me or Vader to come murder me! Well fuck you! I’m tired of waiting. So, where are you? What is taking so long?” 

“What the Force Obi-Wan! Do you know how ridiculous you sound? You’re the one hiding from me.” 

That bastard. That utter bastard. He hates him. He hates him so fucking much! 

“As if that matters! As if I could ever hide from you if you truly wanted to find me!”

“Tell me where you are.”

“No.” 

“Stop making yourself the victim Obi-Wan! You want me to find you so you can say you didn’t have a choice. Stop hiding from what you want.”

“What I want. I’m a Jedi. I don’t want anything.” 

“The Jedi are dead. I killed them all.”

He did and it’s his fault, all his fault, and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. 

“FUCK! Breathe. Just, Breathe. Obi-Wan! It’s not your fault. That’s it breathe. You’re having a panic attack.” 

He really has gone mad. “How can you even say that? Of course, it’s my fault.” 

“I killed them. It’s my fault” 

“I hate you so much!” The panic is gone, and the rage is back. He feels like he is on fire. 

“I thought a Jedi doesn’t hate.” That smug bastard. He really will kill him. 

“The Jedi are dead. You’re dead and I’m destroying this, this comlink!” 

“Obi…..” static. 

He flings the cause of his problems across the room and has more moonshine. He suspects there will never be enough moonshine in the world to blot out what happened, but he is willing to give it a try.

\------

He waits. He is sure Vader will be here any day. He has ruined everything all over again because he was drunk and lonely and not the Jedi he should be. Vader is going to find Luke. He just destroyed their last hope. He waits. He keeps waiting but nothing happens. He doesn’t understand this game. Anakin never had any patience and that hasn’t changed as far as he can tell now that he’s Vader. He, this, it, none of it makes any sense. Vader should be here right now, taking advantage of his weakness. Killing him. Getting his revenge. But he isn’t. Why isn’t he here? Padmé isn’t speaking to him. What does it say about him that even his hallucinations are avoiding him?

(A small part of him wonders what if Vader just doesn’t care anymore? What if he never did? He hates that this frightens him more than being discovered)

\------

“Why haven’t you found me?” He lasts a month before he breaks, gets drunk (drunker, he is always drunk these days) and digs the offending com out of the corner where he threw it pretending not to see where it landed.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Vader sounds frustrated or maybe that’s just how he sounds now. Obi-Wan wouldn’t know.

“Well I need to! You could if you wanted. You have to hate me. You must want to hurt me. Kill me. So why haven’t you?”

“I do hate you. So just leave it alone Obi-Wan.”

“No. Answer me. YOU WILL ANSWER ME!”

“BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO COME HOME!”

“I don’t understand”

“Yeah. I know you don’t. I have to go.” All he feels is shock. 

\------

“Why do you keep calling Obi-Wan?” He’s only made it 10 days this time.

“I don’t know.” If he did, he wouldn’t have commed.

“Yes, you do.” There is something weird in his tone. Well as much as there can be with the mask.

“Why do you keep answering?” He tries instead.

“You know that too.” What is that tone?

\------

He asks Padmé because he’s desperate and still hasn’t been able to reach Qui-Gon. She’s appearing again, but he thinks it’s mostly to laugh at his poor choices. She looks sad and a little disappointed in him. 

“Stop being stupid Obi-Wan.”

Why does everyone including his subconscious think he knows what is going on? Aren’t projections of dead friends supposed to be supportive and make you feel better? To be fair Padmé married Anakin after a week and a half so maybe logic isn’t her strong suit. She’s doing the eyebrow thing again. 

\------

“Darth” He can’t help the hint of a question and relief that Vader picked up from creeping into his tone. 

“It has to be your choice.” Vader sounds resigned. 

“What?”

“It has to be your choice. I won’t force you. That’s why I haven’t found you.”

“But, that doesn’t. I don’t. You’re a Sith!”

“Yeah, and you’re an asshole.” 

They don’t speak for six weeks. He doesn’t understand. There is something important he’s missing. Vader doesn’t make any sense. Anakin rarely did either but at least he used to be able to follow the basic plot. Although, Anakin killed all their friends, joined the Sith, and destroyed democracy so maybe he wasn’t following the plot then either. 

\------

“She smiled.”

“What? Darth is that you?” It’s been six weeks and Vader has never been the one to initiate a call before. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not the only one with this frequency? To the super encrypted com that I built for you. Which you haven’t destroyed. Don’t worry. I’m aware that this is somehow also my fault.”

“I, well, that is to say”

“Just have another drink and you can keep pretending none of this is happening.”

“Darth, what…”

“She smiled and then she told me to close my eyes. But I could still hear them. I could still feel her shame and pain and fear. I could feel how much they liked it in the Force.” 

“Darth…” He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what this is. He needs to think. This is important. But he hasn’t thought clearly in years, and this, this is too much.

“That’s my first memory. That’s the first memory I have of my mother. She smiled. So, I wouldn’t fight. So, they would ignore me. So, they wouldn’t hurt me too. I won’t. I’m not. I won’t force you. I’m a monster but I’m not. I wouldn’t”

“I believe you. I under…” he cuts himself off. He doesn’t understand. How could he? “I believe you.” He says again instead. 

And he does. He may not trust his traitorous former apprentice, but Shmi Skywalker has always been sacred. Her ghost hangs between them. The wound that would not heal. Septic, instead, for never having been cleaned or dealt with. No, he does not understand. He did not want to before and now picked mindlessly at a scab with no thought to how deep the infection spread. No wonder Anakin never trusted him. He is starting to spiral again. He is such a worthless fool. A complete failure. He is about to surrender again to his demons, when Vader starts speaking. Obi-Wan think his breath may be laboring as well but he can’t tell with the suit. Another…

“Good. That’s good. So now you know. I’m gonna go. Yeah, go and be away”

He can’t! He can’t go and leave it like this. Not now. Not after everything. Obi-Wan honestly doesn’t know what he’ll do to himself if ~~'Anakin'~~ Vader (His name is Vader you blind fool why can’t you remember that?!) hangs up right now. When did he become such a selfish and weak person? “Please don’t.” He can’t even recognize his own voice. Vader doesn’t speak but he doesn’t hang up either. Obi-Wan just lays on the floor curled around the com as if that can protect him from drowning in regret. He has no idea how long he stays there listening to Vader’s respirator wishing he was dead. He imagines Padmé wrapping an arm around him and crying into his neck. 

\------

Vader never does come to find him. Anakin was always weird like that and he is beginning to see this hasn’t changed now that he’s become Vader. He lived his life by a ridged set of rules only he could grasp but stuck to them unflinchingly. The dubious morality of Anakin Skywalker. They were the kind of rules that allowed for the slaughtering of children but won’t let him drag Obi-Wan to his side. The fact that he wants Obi-Wan at all and not to kill him is another feat of Anakin logic. That is to say completely incomprehensible to anyone who is not Anakin or Vader now, he supposes. 

\------

“I’m sorry.” He stopped counting the days, weeks, months between calls because time doesn’t matter anymore

“For what part?”

“I’m not sure. Maiming you. Not killing you. Setting you on fire.”

“That’s not what I’m angry about.”

“No? What a truly ridiculous lie even for you.”

“Well I’m not angry anymore. I got over it.”

“That is even more absurd. You’ve never gotten over anything in your life.”

“You know what fine. I AM ANGRY! I’M ANGRY that the only time you ever said the words ‘I love you’ was while watching me burn! I’m angry you left! I’m angry that the only reason I didn’t die was because I had the mechanical limb Dooku cut off when I got in between you. But mostly I’m angry you call and pretend it never happened!”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry. You are always sorry, but you don’t ever change.”

“Darth I…”

“Stop. I’m tired. Just stop” 

It takes him 3 hours to put down the lightsaber, but he doesn’t try to kill himself. Padmé is crying again.

\------

“Do you still love me?” Oh, he could kick himself. Why did he say that?

“What the! Obi-Wan why are you asking me that?!”

“Of course, how foolish of me! Sorry! Forget I…” He is stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

“Yes, Alright. Always. I don’t know how to stop.” 

“Oh.” That wasn’t what he was expecting. 

“Yeah. I think that makes everything worse somehow. I hate you too, if it’s any consolation.”

“That’s….I’m not sure. I don’t know if it can be worse.”

“It can always get worse”

“You aren’t going to ask if I still love you?”

“No. I may be a masochist, but even I have my limits.”

He has ruined them again somehow. Vader is right. It can always get worse. He doesn’t need to bother conjuring up Padmé to know she is angry. He is angry at himself. 

\------

“Let go.”

Let go! Let go! This is what he has been devoting his time and effort to? This is the result of years of effort to finally be able to speak to Qui-Gon again? Let go! He has never wanted to strangle Qui-Gon more than he does in this moment, and that includes every time he abandoned him. Let go! Why did he think this would help? Of course, Qui-Gon’s answer is to run away from his responsibilities. Let go! Follow the will of the Force! Find peace! He did everything he was supposed to do. Sacrificed everything he cared about. Never complained about his duty and he was left with NOTHING! His regret is the only thing he has left, and he won’t surrender that too. 

“You cannot be free unless you do. Be the Jedi you are meant to be Obi-Wan” 

“Get the fuck out!” At least Vader never tells him everything is going to be fine. 

\------

“What?!” Vader is definitely still angry. His fury at Qui-Gon was enough to summon the bravery required to com Vader again. Well that and the moonshine.

“You answered.” He is actually surprised. He doesn’t think he would have answered were their roles reversed.

“Of course, I did. That’s how this works. You call. I answer. You hate yourself. Rinse, repeat. I’m…Look it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have snapped.” 

“Don’t apologize. It’s true.” He can own that at least. 

“Well. Yeah. Okay. Um. Obi-Wan what do you want?”

“I guess I just ….I just had to see if you’d answer. I know that isn’t. I know it’s not.” Force he is pathetic.

“It’s fine.”

“It’s really not.” He can admit this too.

“No, it’s not. But that’s what it is.” It’s weird he thinks, the way Vader is accepting. Anakin was never accepting.

“If I were someone else…” Because Vader may be a monster, but Obi-Wan isn’t sure he deserves this.

“Yeah, well, if you were someone else, I wouldn’t want you.”

“Yes, well. Thanks, I guess” He doesn’t know what to do with how warm this declaration makes him feel. He really is a terrible Jedi.

“Force this is so fucked up. We definitely should have both died on Mustafar. Wait are you, Obi-Wan are you laughing?”

“Yes. I have banned crying so apparently my body is in revolt and this is what it settled on.” He can’t help it. Everything is so messed up and he is so sick of crying. Vader ruined his life and somehow is the only person he wants to speak to. Of course, I want to speak to you as well, he corrects immediately. Padmé smiles magnanimously. She prefers when he and Vader get on.

“Makes sense. I also banned crying due to no longer having tear ducts.” And that sets him off all over again.

“Was that a joke? See this is why you should always plan ahead and prepare Darth.” And oh, is he actually enjoying himself? He wasn’t aware he could still do that.

“What are you talking about?”

“The crying ban! I burned off your tear ducts so now you have to do what I say! I’m an excellent strategist.”

“Just how drunk are you right now Obi-Wan?”

“Really, really drunk!” But he thinks he might be happy or as happy as he can be. Padmé is looking positively gleeful.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

\------- warning---------

He makes it just over 5 years before he finally does try to kill himself. Things had been better whatever that means, and he was drinking less. He had gone into town to get supplies, medication (the desert did not agree with some of his old war injuries) and something to fix one of the vaporators. Why were they always broken? Useless pile of trash, but exiles can’t be choosers. His speeder breaks down on the way home just as the sun goes down and now, he’s stranded! Why does the Force hate him?! Oh well, he can fix it in the morning. He trusts himself to handle anything out here and for some reason the Tusken Raiders seem to avoid this section of desert. 

He dreams and wished he didn’t. Wished he tried to fix the speeder in the dark. Wished he had decided to walk home. His dreams are filled with blood and screams. At the center of it all is Anakin. A terrible look on his face and lightsaber flashing. Oh Force, what had he done?! There are children on the ground and in his dream, they blur with the younglings at the temple. How could he have done this? How could Obi-Wan not have known? Was Anakin really this person all along? Did Anakin ever exist at all or was he always Vader? Everything that happened is his fault. He failed Anakin and his failure can be counted in slaughtered children. And him, what did he do? He let Vader escape. He has been joking with him while Vader terrorizes the galaxy. Everything that went wrong can be laid at his feet and he is too weak to try and fix it. Let go. He didn’t and this is what happened.

He wakes screaming and vomits up everything in his stomach. He lays dry heaving on the desert floor for some unknown period of time. When he gets up, he feels calm, calmer then he can ever remember feeling. He brushes the sand off his knees, it always gets everywhere. The speeder is an easy fix and he makes it back to his hut with out incident. Then it’s time to unload his purchases and put everything away. Once everything is neat and tidy, he dons his full Jedi robes. He has gotten lazy in the past five years but there hasn’t been anyone to notice. Next he straps his lightsaber to his side. It’s familiar weight a comfort he didn’t know was missing. Finally, he pulls out Anakin’s lightsaber, the murder he loved-loves. He places it on the kitchen table and sits down. He swallows the whole bottle of pills he just bought and waits to join the monster he can’t stop caring about. 

\------- WARNING ------- WARNING ------- WARNING ------- WARNING ------- WARNING -------

It takes longer to die than he thought. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised, nothing in his life has ever been easy. That’s alright he has his moonshine and Anakin’s lightsaber. He’s starting to feel weird. Tired. Floaty. 

“Obi-Wan!” 

His vision is going in and out. The furniture doesn’t look right. Hmmmm….His mind is playing tricks.

“Obi-Wan! FORCE DAMNIT OBI-WAN ANSWER ME!”

He is just so tired. Everything has hurt for so long and he wants to rest. Padmé looks upset.

“Master. Master, please. Please, Master answer me.”

Master? That’s not right he hasn’t been Master in years….Not since… Not since…Hmm sleepy

“FORCE, MASTER! OBI-WAN! ANSWER I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST ANSWER!”

Anakin? That can’t be right. Anakin’s dead and evil. But he was going to see him. Shouldn’t he be here then? What is that Kuush Puhhrrrr sound.

“I forbid you to die! Do you hear me Obi-Wan? I forbid it!”

Padmé’s crying. Why is she crying? He gets to be with Anakin soon. What’s happening? 

“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! Please Master. Obi-Wan. Where are you? What did you do?”

Well that’s silly. What did he do? “Everything. Anakin you killed them all. And I let you.” The room is spinning again. “I took care of it. Don’t worry. That’s what I do. I take care of your messes.”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Obi-Wan what did you do? How did you take care of it?”

He doesn’t feel like explaining he just wants to go to sleep. Why won’t anyone let him rest.

“Please Obi-Wan! I’ll be him. I’ll be Anakin. Please just tell me what you did. What you took. Where you are!”

“Anakin?” He feels sick. He throws up. “All of it. I took them all. Anakin I’ll be there soon.”

“OBI-WAN!”

He passes out…..

\------

.….He wakes up

“Anakin?”

“Yes Master. I’m here. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Anakin at last. He’s missed him so much. Something’s off. Everything still feels weird. He can’t see Anakin. What is that Kuush Puhhrrrr sound? He should know that sound. 

“Anakin.”

“Yes. Master I’m here. You did a ritual and I’m supposed to ask what you took.”

“Oh. A ritual. Hmmmmmmmm” something is off. That doesn’t sound right. He can’t think. Something in the story doesn’t add up, but there is a bottle- two bottles on the table. And yes. Extra strength pain killers. “I think I took 30. Hmmm. Can’t really read right now starts with an A.”

“Good. Master. You did so good. Thank you for telling me.”

Good? He’s not good, is he? He hasn’t been good for years. “I’m not.”

He wants to go to sleep. He wants Anakin. Kuush Puhhrrrr.

“Yes, you are. You’re being very good for me master.”

“I want to be good.”

“You are. So. So. Good. Now I need you to stay awake for me can you do that?”

“I don’t want to. It hurts and everything is so hard.” Why won’t Anakin let him sleep? He’s crying. Is he crying?

“I know. I know master.”

“I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“I know master. But you’re being so good for me. So good. Staying awake. Do you want to feel good? I’ll make you feel good. Just stay awake”

“Please! I want to feel good. I want to be good.”

He throws up again. “I threw up and my fingers are buzzing. Should fingers buzz?”

“That’s okay Master. I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.” He wants that so desperately. He can’t quite remember why he shouldn’t.

“Will you touch yourself for me master? Can you keep being good and stay awake?”

“Yes.” It takes him a couple of tries. His body isn’t obeying him like it should. Pleasure, he had forgotten what it felt like. The Kuush Puhhrrrr in the background is almost comforting. 

“That’s good. Always so good for me.”

“I’m not. I’m not good. I ruined everything.”

“You’re forgiven. I forgive you. Just stay awake.”

He cums with promises of absolution. As everything fades to black, he feels Anakin. He feels complete.

\------ warning ------

He passes out. He wakes up. He drifts. He dreams. He lives. Damnit!

\------

When he comes to for real, Obi-Wan feels like he has been hit by a speeder. He’s lying on the kitchen floor. Everything is a mess, chairs are turned over, and he smells vomit. He pushes himself into a sitting position. Gross, he is sitting in vomit. What happened? What is that beeping sound? Oh, the comlink. What does Vader want? He doesn’t want to deal with this right now. Something important happened, but it’s just beyond his reach. The beeping continues. Ugg, fine!

“WHAT?!”

“You’re alive.” Well obviously, dead people don’t have headaches like this, he doesn’t think.

“Clearly.” Why is Vader calling him to say basic facts? He doesn’t have time for this. He needs to clean up and maybe go to sleep until this headache is gone.

“Clearly.” The word is spoken softly, perfectly controlled, but even in this state Obi-Wan doesn’t miss the danger. What is going on?

“Darth? Darth what is it?” And suddenly there’s laughter coming through the comm. It’s terrible and bitter. It is the most bitter sound he has ever heard.

“You tried to kill yourself Obi-Wan. Don’t you remember.” The voice is cutting, mocking. He is surprised it doesn’t draw blood. 

“I…” But Vader cuts him off. He is angry, so angry. Angrier then even on Mustafar.

“You tried to kill yourself and then you called me to tell me how it was my fault. You talked about dead children and how you should have known I was always a monster. You said I was your responsibility and you were sorry for your poor teachings. You said love blinded you, but it was time to accept the consequences of your actions.” Oh Force, what did he do?

“Darth I…”

“No! You don’t get to talk right now! You don’t get to talk when you were going to die and wouldn’t let me save you! How long are you going to punish me for loving you?!”

“I’m not…”

“I said be quiet! My mother died in my arms because I wasn’t strong enough. Padmé. I killed her. I was trying to save her and instead I strangled her, because I’m a fool! The baby is dead. Our baby.” He cuts off then and makes a sound like a wounded animal. “Force Obi-Wan, why did you do this? How could you do this to me?”

He can’t answer. Can’t say anything. It’s Rako Hardeen all over again, but worse. He tries to apologize but the words are stuck in his throat like the truth about Padmé and the twins. He doesn’t know how to fix this. He doesn’t know how to fix himself. He needs to fix this.

“It’s not your fault. What I did. You didn’t kill the younglings.” 

He feels relief for a moment that somehow in his drug induced state he didn’t mention the Tusken Raiders. He hasn’t exposed them after all. Vader still doesn’t know where he is. Hates himself for the relief.

“It’s not you fault. It’s mine. I did it, not you. Blame it all on me. Force knows I deserve it. But this, this is on you. You want to kill yourself fine. But you can’t make me watch. I’m done letting you torture me for being glad you’re alive.” Vader doesn’t sound angry anymore, just defeated.

“Darth” But the comm is already dead.

\------ end warning -------

He finally talks to Shmi. Or rather he talks to the desert in place of Shmi. He can’t go to her gravesite. Owen doesn’t like him coming round. Owen blames him and distrusts him for what happened to Anakin, what could happen to Luke. He understands. Things may have been different if he stayed when he first brought Luke. He could have been family, instead of a barely trusted ally. He hated, blamed, and feared himself too much then. (A small part of himself that he will never admit out loud also feared he would resent Luke. For either not being Anakin or because of what Anakin did.) It’s done now regardless and so he will not intrude on the Lars’ farm to make his peace.

He also talks to the desert because he realizes he doesn’t know what Shmi Skywalker looked like. The vague impressions he has of her are not enough to conjure an apparition to speak to. How can he not even know the color of her hair? Was it gold like her son’s or dark? He grieves then for Anakin. For the fact that he didn’t even have a holo when he left her on Tatooine. That he doesn’t know what she looked like because it was not appropriate for Anakin to speak of her. Obi-Wan had wanted Anakin to let go and be the Jedi Qui-Gon was sure he could be. He grieves for a little boy who missed his mother and kept it all to himself. He also grieves for himself. For the relationship they could have had, if Anakin had not always felt the need to hide pieces of himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are dead, and I never tried to save you. I’m sorry I spent so much time trying to be a good Jedi that I sometimes forgot to be a good person. Qui-Gon taught me to be a good Jedi, but your son taught me to be the person I wanted to be. He reminded me about how you have to fight for everyone not just the mission. He saved me you know. He was always worried that he was just an obligation Qui-Gon handed down. And it’s true. I didn’t want him at first. I was hurt and angry and overwhelmed. I was too young and not ready. And Force, but he could be infuriating. He was good though. So good and kind. He just wanted to help people. After Naboo I felt so numb and scared. I was sitting on the couch in our apartment and he came and wrapped his arms around me and said, ‘Don’t worry Master. I’m going to take care of us.’ I told him that was my job. He just rolled his eyes and said, ‘Don’t be stupid. We’ll take care of each other.’ I miss him so much. I tried. I tried so hard, but it wasn’t enough. I hurt him and he’s gone. And I have forgotten how to live in a world without him in it. I built my whole life around him. Now he’s gone and there’s nothing left.”

It feels good to finally say it all. To say it to the women who in her strength was able to give up her son so he could have a better life and in doing so gave Obi-Wan the greatest gift he ever received.

“How did you do it? How did you go on living without him? I keep hurting him or the twisted thing he became. I want to be better. I don’t want to be that person. Qui-Gon said I had to let go but I don’t know how, and I don’t want to. He did horrible things. Terrible things. He killed the Tuskens because of what they did to you. It was wrong and it wasn’t your fault or my failed teachings. It was his choice and I have to start believing that. It’s hard but the alternative…, I don’t want to be that person. I’m going to live and I’m going to be better. Because that’s what he would have wanted. I just thought you deserved to know.”

She doesn’t answer but he wasn’t really expecting her to. He feels a soft breeze on his cheek and decides Shmi has heard him. It feels a bit like forgiveness. Maybe he is ready to start forgiving himself. He starts going by Ben. Obi-Wan was always so tangled in Anakin that to make peace with one requires making peace with the other. And well he needs distance to do that so Ben. 

\------

Qui-Gon teaches him. Sometimes he listens. They don’t talk about what happened because he doesn’t really care what Qui-Gon might have to say about it. He wants to enjoy his old master’s presence not fight. 

\------

“Do you ever think about if things were different?” He whispers it into the crown of her hair. It’s not real of course, but if he tries hard enough, he can almost smell jasmine and the hint of something that was completely her own. It’s the middle of the night and year into being Ben. Lying on the sleeping shelf, legs tangled together, with her resting on his chest. It’s a good fantasy. 

“I try not to.” She doesn’t look up and instead burrows further into his chest. Even as a projection, Padmé seems to understand eye contact would be too much. “But sometimes I can’t help it.”

And it’s true. She is him after all. The what ifs can drive a person mad, but it is a nice madness compared to the others. 

“I wish we could have trusted each other. I wish I never boarded your ship. I wish I never revealed myself. I wish we all ran away together. I wish we got to raise the children, our children, all three of them. I wish he was here with us in bed. I wish you were here.”

She looks up then and smiles. It’s a sad smile. The saddest smile he has ever seen. 

“Me too. Now go to sleep.” 

\------

Ahsoka. She is here and alive and in his arms. He can breathe fully for the first time since Mustafar. Daughter he thinks. And how, how did they raise such a perfect girl? She is the best of them and wholly herself. She is his cunning, Padmé’s fire, and Anakin’s love. She hasn’t stopped fighting. Where does she get her faith? 

“I’m so glad you’re okay Master.” She whispers into his neck. 

He can’t tell her everything because she had absorbed too much of Anakin’s beliefs on loyalty for comfort, but for now she’s here and that’s enough. He tells her about his life in the desert (the edited child version) and how he goes by Ben now. She makes a show of rolling her eyes just like he would have. It aches, but it’s a good ache. How had he missed Ahsoka so much without realizing it? She is gone again, too quickly, but the hope she brought remains.

\------

“I’m not going to kill myself.” It’s true. It is the first day since everything fell apart that he is 100 percent certain that it’s true. It has been two years and Vader had been explicit in their last conversation, but he deserves to hear this after everything. If they never speak again, fine. He needs to say this.

“Okay.” 

“Okay?”

“Okay.” 

“I’m going by Ben now.”

“You always were a drama queen.”

He splutters “Now see here Darth….” 

They begin again. They can’t help it. They don’t want to. 

\------

He has good days (well better days) and he has bad days. Vader talks to him then, on the bad days. Vader tells everything Anakin would have hid. Vader is honest and Anakin was, he has no idea what Anakin was and that is the worst thing of all. While they are both more open, their relationship itself seems to be entirely composed of secrets. What Jedi/rebels Vader is hunting. Sidious. The fact that Vader didn’t kill his wife and Ben stole his children. That Vader loves him. He knows it will all come tumbling down one day. Vader/ Anakin will hate him forever once he finds out. Of course, they somehow had a miscommunication of what upset Vader when Ben hacked off his limbs and lit him on fire so who knows how he will react. How was that not the upsetting part? He will never understand Vader. 

He still drinks but not enough that even he could pretend to not remember their conversations. 

\------

“This is the least subtle engineering trap I have ever seen! It would be like shooting womp rats to destroy it.”

He has no idea what Vader is talking about. He has been in a mood for months about some secret project of Sidious’. Vader has been more careful than he thought possible to not let useful information slip but hasn’t held back his disgust for the project in general. 

“I’m sure your new master was delighted when you pointed it out. More delays. Such a shame.” He allows himself the pleasure of Sidious’ misfortune. He may be a Jedi, but it is the little things in life. But wait. What’s this. Vader has gone silent.

“Master is omniscient. He has had to tell me many times. I was struggling to see his vision and in his infinite mercy, he has taught me the error of my ways. Master sees all. It is not for me to question his decisions. I am but a lowly apprentice.” 

Oh, he knows this tone. He knows it very well. 

Anakin had always been the picture of obsequious innocence when at his most disrespectfully defiant. He will never forget the time the boy was 14 and he and his padawan were dragged in front of the council for Anakin getting caught in the underground pod races. He had won of course and after an hour and a half of lecturing the Council finally got around to asking about the prize money and the little shit gasped, he had actually gasped. 

“But masters I thought the Jedi were not allowed possessions, that we must eschew the material in pursuit of bettering the galaxy. I gave all the money to an orphanage for recently freed slaves from the Outer Rim. They have nowhere else to go and hardly enough to go around. I am sure the Senate and Order were getting to it but Master Obi-Wan stressed the importance of every Jedi devoting themselves to a life of service. Was I wrong? I’m afraid these things can be hard for me to understand.” 

The very picture of a wide-eyed ingénue as he told the Council to Kiff themselves. He accredits this episode to Mace’s cemented dislike of Anakin. Anakin never had any time for what he perceived as hypocrisy or excuses. Or rules in general. He couldn’t be silent and always seemed to get a different lesson than was intended for whatever subject was being discussed. He certainly only remembered the Code when twisting it to attack some other Jedi tenet he found more distasteful in the moment. Afterward he would promptly go back to forgetting (selectively ignoring) its existence. That looking back on it, that was one of many problems between Anakin and the Jedi. 

Anakin may be gone, but he is still well versed in what “I am but a lowly apprentice” means. It brings a wide smile to his face that this is now Sidious’ problem to deal with. The old corpse deserves whatever mischief Vader intends to unleash. 

It makes Padmé smile as well when he recounts the conversation and corresponding memory, she has become a particularly vicious ghost for all that she is a figment of his imagination. He likes to think she would approve of how he and Vader are getting on these days. He worries sometimes that he may have dreamed her up to excuse his worst impulses. She could make Anakin look positively restrained at times. 

No, he decides, if Padmé were alive, she would have shot Sidious in the face years ago and on the off chance he managed to survive would definitely enjoy whatever Vader has planned. He wishes she were really here. He wishes they both were.

\------

“What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know. I suppose you could come to the dark side. We have cookies?”

“Cookies?”

“Nah. More lightning and chains really. But there are a lot of capes. And you always did love flashy outerwear.” Vader really is a cheeky bastard he thinks fondly. 

“Honestly, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“No? So, you were at the top of the quartermaster’s irresponsible Jedi list for something other than dramatically taking off and losing a cloak before every fight?”

“I won’t respond to slander. We were at war. And I’m not joining the dark side for capes!”

“You thought about it for a minute though”

“I am a Jedi High General and I will not divulged secrets to the enemy no matter how much you may torture me.” 

Vader laughs or at least he thinks that’s what the sound is. With the respirator he can’t ever be sure. Oh, he thinks stupidly. You’re in love with him. He thinks he should have noticed. It’s been 12 years since he came to Tatooine and five and a half since he became Ben. 

\------

With that realization comes a second one. This has to stop. He remembers what Vader had said after he had tried to kill himself. “How long are you going to punish me for loving you?” He remembers what Anakin said after Rako Hardeen. “You broke my heart to teach me a lesson. Because I love you and that is not the Jedi way.” He promised Shmi he would be better that day in the desert. Vader/Anakin made terrible choices and it has taken him 12 years and becoming someone else, but he is finally starting to believe they are not his fault. But this, his relationship with Vader, isn’t something that happened to him. It is something he built with his choices. He is tired of being the person who uses Anakin’s love and trust to wound him. He doesn’t want to love like that anymore. Be the person who hides behind duty. He loved Anakin and he loves Vader. He is done holding the knife. 

Vader made his choices and so he cannot know about Padmé, about Leia, about Luke and Ben can finally admit that this lie of omission is a lie. Perhaps it says something about him that this was all forgivable when he only knew that Vader loved him and didn’t realize he loved him back. That’s fine. He is learning to be kind to himself. He is doing the best that he can and as long he does that, he can live with himself. He weeps then. For all they were. For all they are. For all they could have been. 

Padmé slips her hand into his and curls into his side. It doesn’t matter if she is real or not. This is who she was, kind. She was always the only one who could understand, and he has never been more grateful for that than he is right now. 

\------

He puts off comming. He doesn’t know how to say, _'I realized I love you so I can’t talk to you anymore'_. 

“You figured it out then.” It is not a question. He didn’t even realize he had dialed. He wonders how long he has been sitting here staring at the wall with Vader on the line. He wants to laugh bitterly, it’s the perfect metaphor for their current relationship. 

“Yes”

“So, this is goodbye.” How does he know? How did he always know?

“I”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to explain.”

“Darth”

“You have only ever been able to bare loving me when you could plead ignorance. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself. You’re still you. You don’t have to say anything.”

There really isn’t anything to say to that. It doesn’t sound fair when Vader puts it that way. It is probably truer than he would like, but also not. He is doing this to be better. He just can’t tell Vader the reason. 

“Could you stay? Just for a bit. I’m not quite ready yet.” He’s never heard Vader sound this vulnerable before.

He does. He’s not ready yet either.

\------

Life goes on.

\------

Epilogue:

Six years later he’s dead and Vader knows the truth, well some of the truth.

“I’m not sorry” Because he is a Jedi and Anakin/Vader made his own choices. He did the best he could. It may not have always been the right thing to do but he can accept now that maybe there were no right or good options. 

“I’m not sorry either” That doesn’t surprise him. Both Anakin and Vader tended to fully commit and move on from their decisions. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Please review. the Shmi/Anakin memory was inspired by Dexter


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